Rewriting the high fructose corn syrup television ads

Rewriting the high fructose corn syrup television ads

The Corn Refiners Association wants you to know that people who believe high fructose corn syrup (HFCS) is bad are poor dim-witted souls, easily led by crazy rumors.

Have you seen these HFCS television ads? They’re hilarious. Each one features someone (a mom, a brother, a boyfriend) who points out that HFCS is bad for you. But when challenged, none of them can come up with a reason, so they end up looking like clueless buffoons.

Here’s how I’d like to rewrite one of those commercials…

Mom #1: You’re not going to let your kids drink that “fruit punch” are you?
Mom #2: Why, what’s wrong with it?
Mom #1: It’s loaded with high fructose corn syrup.
Mom #2: And?
Mom #1: Well you know what they say about it.
Mom #2: Like what?
Mom #1: Well…uh…
Mom #2: That it’s made from corn, doesn’t have artificial ingredients, and like sugar it’s fine in moderation?
Mom #1: No, actually studies at the University of California show that it may be much worse than sugar, raising triglyceride and LDL cholesterol levels, while increasing risk of insulin resistance in just 10 weeks.
Mom #2: Well…uh…
Mom #1: Other studies have linked it to increased body weight and fat storage. And in one study where subjects with irritable bowl syndrome avoided HFCS for one year, IBS symptoms were significantly decreased.
Mom #2: Really?
Mom #1: Really.
Mom #2: Wow…you’re not a clueless buffoon after all. Thanks for the information. I’m going to tell everyone I know.
Mom #1: Great! I’ll go pour this “fruit punch” down the drain.
Mom #2: (Yelling to kids.) Randy! Susie! Put those cups down this second! Don’t make me come over there!