Everything you ever wanted to know about cheese

Yesterday I told you about Dairy Management, the USDA division that’s ruthlessly devoted to dairy industry promotion.

If you’d like to see their handiwork, just go to ilovecheese.com. It’s a cheese-lover’s playground, with a tour of U.S. dairy farms, tips for entertaining with cheese, and a cheese profiler, so you can finally find out what kind of “cheese person” you are.

There’s also a cheese guide with a handy cheese selector.

But this selector has an odd wrinkle.

The selector gives you two choices: taste and texture. So for instance, if you go to the taste menu and choose “buttery,” you’ll get a dozen or so suggestions, such as brie and provolone.

Under texture, two of the choices are “silky” and “velvety.” Now, I know the difference between silk and velvet, but when it comes to cheese, what’s the diff?

I started by selecting “silky” and the response came up with one cheese: “American.”

Ah! So “silky” is a code word for “bland.” Got it!

So what might come up in the “velvety” category? I clicked on “Select” and got a message informing me that there are no matches for my search.

What!?

The “velvety” category is in the menu. THEY put it there! No matches? What could they be thinking? Is the category included in hopes that someday someone will develop a “velvety” textured cheese?

And if “silky” is a code word for “bland,” what’s “velvety” a code word for?

Oh wait–I think I just got it.

Velvety = cheesy. Of course!