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Sexual enhancement drugs

Over the Falls

You’ve probably been to one of those delis where they punch your card each time you order a sandwich, and when your card is completely punched, you get a free sandwich.

Well welcome to sandwich punch card marketing, giant drug company style.

Breakfast of champions

“We are the Champions” is the 70s pop song that blares in the background as middle-aged men jump for joy in the streets. Have you seen this TV ad? It’s for a very popular prescription drug that addresses erectile dysfunction. The name of the drug starts with a “V” and rhymes with Niagara, but I’m going to avoid using the drug’s name because many spam filters block e-mails that contain the word anywhere in the text. For today, then, let’s just call it Niagara. Like the falls. Not to be confused with spray starch.

(Fair warning: All puns, innuendos, and double entendres are completely intended.)

So, why are these middle-aged guys leaping about with goofy grins on their faces? Because they’ve just found out that every time they fill six prescriptions of Niagara, their seventh prescription will be free. Wheee! We are the champions!

Something for everyone

But something is missing from the “Champions” commercial. There are no teenagers jumping around alongside their dads.

And why would there be teenagers? According to a report this month in the International Journal of Impotence Research (IJIR), the fastest growing segment of Niagara users is 18-45 year old males. That’s not exactly the Bob Dole demographic that made Niagara famous.

And something else is missing from the ad: women. Because the IJIR research also shows that more and more women are using Niagara. (Apparently, Niagara enhances the sexual experience for women; albeit in a completely different way from men, obviously.)

So it seems that just about everyone can enjoy the wonders of Niagara! But not so fast. All of this bouncing in the streets over sexual enhancement is a sore point for health insurance companies that are footing much of the bill for a medication that’s supposed to address a medical condition.

As you might imagine, some in the health care community are asking: If women and young people are using the drug to enhance their sexual pleasure, is it right that health insurers are helping supply the fun? I mean, come on, people! We’ve got a health care crisis in this country. We can’t have everyone partying on someone else’s dime! What’s next? Insurance companies buying everyone a couple of drinks?

Happy ending

While insurance companies are stewing over their contribution to the World Party, Pfizer executives have a more pressing matter: their company image.

According to industry research, as much as 25 percent of adult males believe that Pfizer is responsible for sending the daily junk e-mail that appears in their e-mail inboxes with countless come-ons to buy “generic” Niagara.

First of all, there IS no generic Niagara. Not yet anyway. Not until Pfizer’s patent license runs out. And besides the fact that these e-mailers are taking revenue away from Pfizer (many of the fly-by-night Internet pharmacies sell bootleg Niagara), they’re giving Pfizer a bad reputation.

Maybe this is the thinking behind the buy-six-get-one-free idea: Lure customers away from the Internet outlets with some freebies here and there, and also make them feel good about their local neighborhood drug giant.

After all, everyone likes party favors.

No rest for the successful

They say it’s good to be king, but it’s also lonely at the top. Everyone wants a piece of Pfizer’s sweet action. Spammers and Internet pharmacies take their chunk, and then along come Cialis and Levitra – two new erectile dysfunction drugs that have started carving out a share of the Niagara market.

And now Wrigley wants in. Last spring, the famous Chicago gum manufacturer was granted a patent for a gum that will contain the active ingredient of Niagara. Wrigley is really looking far down the road here, because the patent on Niagara won’t run out for another seven years. At that time, the generic versions of the drug are expected to burst over the dam like well, like a giant waterfall. And Wrigley hopes to be the first one over the falls in a barrel.

By then, all the fretting over Niagara’s insurance and health care questions will be a thing of the long ago past (way back in 2004). And men, women, and teenagers will all crowd the streets, jumping for joy!

Sources:
“Patterns of Use of ‘Niagara’ Among Commercially Insured Adults in the United States: 1998-2002” International Journal of Impotence Research, Vol. 16, No. 4, August 2004, nature.com
“Recreational Use of ‘Niagara’ on the Increase” Kathleen Doheny, HealthDayNews, 8/5/04, story.news.yahoo.com“Pfizer Takes Big Stick to ‘Niagara’ Spammers” Lucy Sherriff, The Register, 8/5/04, therigester.com
“Can Wrigley ‘Double Your Pleasure’ with ‘Niagara’ Chewing Gum?” Briffa, March 2004, briffa.com

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